Kamala Harris: For Men!
Think young dudes don't have a champion in the first female vice president? Think again!
“Mr. Trump leads Ms. Harris among young men, 58 percent to 37 percent, across the last three Times/Siena national polls.” -The New York Times, 10/18/24
Kamala Harris will be a president for all Americans, whether they voted for her or not. Whether they’re sports guys or tech bros. Whether they’re into intermittent fasting or eating an animal-based diet exclusively off of thick wooden chopping blocks.
Kamala Harris will cut taxes for more than 100 million Americans, saving you money for household essentials like Bitcoin and protein powder. Kamala Harris has noticed you’ve been looking super swole lately, by the way. That’s the word she used, “swole.”
Kamala Harris is committed to investing in clean energy initiatives as her administration continues the fight against climate change. Because there is only one planet Earth, and it is where Joe Rogan Lives.
Did you know that Project 2025 would ban pornography? Kamala Harris wouldn’t. In fact, Kamala Harris is a stepmom. Kamala Harris is aware that this is some sort of porn thing, and wants you to know that she knows. Just don’t get any weird ideas. Or do? Look, whatever gets you to a polling place.
Kamala Harris has proposed a $50,000 tax break for new small businesses, largely because she heard about your “gym where you’re allowed to smoke inside” idea and thinks it’s fucking genius.
You know when you're playing Call of Duty and you're really hungry, but your girlfriend broke up with you last week because you kept liking Instagram photos of women you don't know in bathing suits, even after she told you this hurt her feelings, so there's no one to bring you Taco Bell? You know how much that sucks shit? Kamala Harris doesn't, but she is listening.
Kamala Harris will extend Medicare’s cap on insulin costs and out-of-pocket drug spending to all Americans, which ought to give your stupid mom one less thing to bitch about.
Whoa, look out! Sorry, everything’s cool, Kamala Harris just took out her gun. The gun that she owns. Man, she loves that thing.
Kamala Harris will protect abortion rights. Who cares, right? Haha, yuck! But think about it this way. As soon as Kamala Harris codifies Roe v. Wade and pregnant women stop bleeding out in hospital parking lots, America can finally turn its full attention to society’s biggest victims: men in their 20s who can’t get laid.
Kamala Harris saw this really funny thing on Reddit the other day.
As president, Kamala Harris will ban therapy. Well, okay, no, she won’t. The president can’t do that. But Kamala Harris will roll her eyes and do a jerking-off gesture when she hears that your roommate Darren almost signed up for BetterHelp just because he “feels empty all the time” or whatever.
Kamala Harris has a plan to offer $25,000 in down payment assistance for first-generation home buyers. Because every king should have a castle, and every castle should have a beer pong table made out of a door, and also a bathroom that has no door. In Kamala Harris’s view, that’s just common sense.
Kamala Harris is a former prosecutor who will uphold the Constitution and the rule of law, but when it comes to online poker? Between you and Kamala Harris? Her back is totally turned.
Kamala Harris knows you’re feeling insecure in your masculinity, that you maybe even feel like masculinity itself is under attack. She knows you have this sense that women are pulling ahead in the world while you’re somehow falling behind, and that lifting weights and eating slabs of meat and voting for a grotesque cartoon of traditional masculinity may be your only salvation. That you feel trapped in a pit of profound loneliness you don’t have the language to talk about, let alone anyone to talk about it with, because making sense of your emotions and building deep, vulnerable relationships require tools you were never provided, tools that you were led to understand men didn’t need. Kamala Harris sees you. Kamala Harris also sees that you just requested an AI-generated image of her making a sandwich with no clothes on, but Kamala Harris is still on your side. Because that’s who Kamala Harris is.
The pollsters think they know how you’re voting. The reporters think they have you figured out. But a true alpha defies expectations. Vote for gun-pilled stepmommy Kamala Harris on November 5.
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"Young dudes" are the prototype low-propensity voter, and despite all the hullabaloo about tRump running away with their "vote", that's largely a mirage.
You know what ISN'T a mirage? The huge women's vote this year, COMMITTED votes at that...just look at the gender breakdown obtained from the early-voting stats. "Young dudes" are outnumbered by a sizable female voting cohort, admittedly not all Harris voters for sure, but enough to truly make a difference as to who wins the presidency.
Through humor, this piece sums up the young white male voter in a nutshell. Good read.